When a message or conversation activates a strong feeling, a brief pause may create room to choose your response. Use this page with a recent example or before a conversation. A pause works best when you have a plan to return.
Notice your early cue
Look for a sign you can recognize before responding, such as typing faster, clenching your jaw, interrupting, or going quiet. Choose a pause that fits the setting: place the phone down, take a sip of water, look around, or ask for a short break.
Return with a purpose
Decide what you want your reply to accomplish. You might clarify, express a need, set a limit, or postpone until a specific time. For example, "I want to answer carefully. Can we return to this after dinner?" Follow through when it is safe and appropriate.
Reflection prompts
Use these questions in conversation, on paper, or in the downloaded PDF. You may adapt or skip a prompt.
The situation and my earliest sign of activation
A pause I can actually use in this setting
What I want my response to accomplish
The words I will use and my plan for returning
Facilitator notes and adaptation
Adapt the pause to communication access and sensory needs. In coercive or unsafe relationships, focus on individualized safety rather than requiring a return conversation. Do not frame all silence as avoidance.
Sources behind the concepts
These sources inform the concepts in this original resource. They do not validate or endorse this specific page.